Our behaviors impact our
relationships. So, how do we behave, in various situations particularly in situations
that could lead to conflict? Simple e.g.:
I overhear someone in office saying’ That Preetha…I don’t like her at all. She
is so bossy.’ Now, there are many ways that I can choose to
respond to this trigger. I am using some imagery for illustrating.
1. Be
aggressive, attack, confront, like a cheetah
pouncing on its prey.
2. Become
passive aggressive, withdraw, avoid the person. Like a turtle tucking its head beneath its shell.
3. Phone
a friend, gossip, spread the news. Like a parrot,
repeating everything.
4. Be
Neutral. Not letting the situation affect my peace or happiness: Like a dolphin that always appears to have a
smile on its face.
5. Be
big hearted, forgive and continue being good to that person -Like a giraffe which apparently has the
largest heart in the animal kingdom.
Though, as Christ
followers, we are expected to choose option 5 (i.e. to respond in love), we are
likely to choose other options (i.e. react in anger). And, what’s more, we often
try to rationalize our behavior saying’ I had no option but to retaliate/
confront/ ignore/criticize, because of the way that they treated me. Which
implies that not I, but people and situations around me control the way I react.
Jesus tells us- Mathew 5:
44 -47
44 But I say unto you, love
your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and
pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
In other words -Don’t allow
the behaviour of others to influence your behaviour. Regardless of how badly others
treat us, we are commanded not only to love, bless and be nice to them but also
to pray for them.
45 That ye may be the
children of your Father which is in heaven: for he makes his sun to rise on the
evil and on the good and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
This verse speaks of
the Characteristic of God. Characteristic means a typical quality of someone or something, that
never changes regardless of external influences. For example -sugar. The characteristic of sugar is to add sweetness
to our food. Now, whether you add it to milk, chocolate, bitter gourd or vegetables,
the intrinsic quality of sugar remains the same. It doesn’t vary with the type
or quality of the food into which it is added.
The characteristic of
our Heavenly Father is to love, which never varies regardless of type or
quality of people on earth. It is equal
towards all. Not more towards the just, not less towards the unjust.
46 For if you love them
which love you, what reward have you? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if you salute your
brethren only, what do you more than others? do not even the publicans so?
Loving only the people who
are good to us brings us no benefit That’s our comfort zone and requires no special
effort from us. However, loving people who rub us the wrong
way, is difficult.
You see, it is so much
easier to think that the other person is irritating or stupid or an idiot and
that they need to change, rather than to bring about a change in ourselves. Because
that involves putting pride and ego on the back burner and bending.
So, how do we apply this
teaching to our lives? 3 points
1. Invite
God into the process.: God gave the children of Israel around 600 +
commands and laws which they were supposed to follow. These 600+ commands were
reduced to 2 and finally to 1 by Jesus, just before He was crucified, which
became the overarching ethic on which Christianity is based. That command was
to love one another as Christ loved us.
Notice Jesus commands us
to love, bless and pray for our enemies.
Peter tells us in 1 Peter 3:8-9 Amplified Bible (AMP)
8 Finally, all of you be like-minded [united in spirit],
sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted [courteous and compassionate toward each
other as members of one household], and humble in spirit; 9 and
never return evil for evil or insult for insult [avoid scolding, berating, and
any kind of abuse], but on the contrary, give a blessing [pray for one
another’s well-being, contentment, and protection]; for you have been called
for this very purpose, that you might inherit a blessing [from God that brings
well-being, happiness, and protection].
So, make a list of all the
people who irritate, upset, humiliate you. Every morning ask God to bless the
people with whom we have issues, relationally. And pray for all the people on
the list that you have created. This
allows God to deal with our hearts and set it right. To pluck out any root of
bitterness or anger from our hearts and fill it with his love, which would then
enable us to respond with love in any situation.
2. Create
a habit of being flexible, letting go of pride and bending. Just as physical
bending strengthens us physically, bending our ego strengthens us spiritually
and keeps us emotionally healthy. ‘Is that difficult? Yes, of course. Is it Impossible? No.
Otherwise most of us in the corporate world, who have to deal with irritated
clients and bosses, would be out of our jobs. For, all organizations expect
their staff to be pleasant to the most unpleasant client and polite to the
rudest of customers. And if we can do it
at our workplaces, why not outside? And just like physical bending, bending our
ego, becomes easier when we keep doing it regularly. What’s more, if we don’t
make a habit of bending, very soon we may reach a state of such stiffness where
we cannot bend at all
3. Value
other people’s assessment of our behaviour rather than only depending on our
own assessment. We look at situations and people through different lenses which
are coloured by factors such as our upbringing, our self-esteem, our friends,
family, etc. That is why every person assesses the same situation differently. Hence,
for women, the mother in law is always the villain of the piece but the mother is
an angel and a daughter is sugar and spice but a daughter in law is all that is
not nice. You see, it’s all a matter of perception and our perception need not
be right, every time. Therefore, by all means phone a friend, but not the ones
who will endorse your behaviour all the time, or those who will add more fuel
to a fire that you have created, but those who are emotionally stable and would
be able to point you in the right direction.
A
verse that is quoted very often-Math 5:13 tells us that ‘We are to be the salt
of the earth’ but an equally important verse not quoted as much is Mark
9:50
Salt
is good: but if the salt loses its saltiness, with what will you season it?
Have salt in yourselves and have peace one with another.
Salt
has 2 basic properties-It not only adds flavour to our food, but it is also an
excellent preservative. But if salt somehow loses these inherent chemical properties,
it cannot regain them again."
And
if we are the salt of the earth then we need to be careful not to lose the qualities
of salt within us. To flavor relationships with love and thereby preserve them.
We
have the power to choose our attitudes, let us choose wisely.
